I can walk into a room full of strangers and leave knowing everyone's name and a little bit about them. I can talk to anyone, and most people feel I am easy to talk to. When life was in hardcore quarantine, I gained a little social media fame that I attribute to the fact that I am a genuine person, always real. Of course, having big boobs and a decent face doesn't hurt either. My kids are always saying that I know someone everywhere we go. (This point was proven on vacation in a foreign country) Any who, I am not one that anyone would think had no friends. Yet here I am, the most social loner I know. 

Growing up, I was part of a best friend trio. I still love these girls (and their families) with all of my heart. We will 100% be there for each other no matter what. But do we talk every day? No. Hell, I don't think we even talk to each other every month. It's really sucks to be honest. After my divorce, my life was just different than theirs, and we have definitely drifted apart. The two of them have remained close, but I have definitely faded out of the picture. And I know that's a lot of fault of my own. I was divorced and wanted to do single things when I didn't have my kids. Honestly, it really was hard for me to be around them with their husbands and kids when my life had just been broken. Like, all I wanted was what they had, and I just got really sad being around it. How fucking shitty is that? How fucking shitty am I?

My adult best friend and I met through a mutual friend. We instantly hit it off. I mean immediately became bff. We became a part of each other's lives. I went through a marriage and divorce with her. And everything in between. We had the kind of friendship that nothing was off limits. We told each other EVERYTHING. It was never TMI. We talked about love, hurt, sex, work, religion, life, parenting, family. I mean everything. We were literally inseparable. Her people became my people too. Our personalities were so similar, she is just ten years older. While I don't claim to be a saint, her morals are a bit looser than mine.  For all intensive purposes, we will call her Lucy. See?!? I am funny af.

Ole Lucy meets her a married man that works in the same industry she does. Things get hot and heavy very quickly. They are on the phone or FaceTiming each other constantly. I ended up becoming friends with the married man. Despite my not agreeing with the situation, he really is a nice guy. About two years after they meet, Lucy is transferred out of state for work, the married man switches jobs within the industry, and I accept a position in the same industry as them. Everyone is happy and excited to help me along this new journey! Yay!! All is wonderful in my world!!! Fast forward a few weeks. The new job does not afford the married man the same amount of free time to constantly be on the phone with Lucy. I am guessing this is where some insecurity started creeping in.

Not even a month into my new career, I attend an industry event with my boss. I get introduced to a few people, make some small talk, and head to the bar for a drink (surprise). I see the married man on the way, we head to the bar, grab a drink and start networking. This dude knows EVERYONE in the industry and since I was green, I stuck with him. A couple walks up, and I know the husband through a family member. We speak, the guys start talking and the wife asks me if we, as in me and the married man, have any children. I start cracking up and tell her we aren't married. She apologized and said she never knows anyone at these kind of things. And in her defense, it's a male dominated industry and most of the women in attendance were there as a plus one. Basically, I got why she made the assumption. We all have to take our seats for dinner, and I am in a group chat with Lucy and the married man telling her about what happened. We were all laughing about it.

Lucy and I talk a few times after the event. She comes home to visit and out of the blue, she hits me with something like "For someone to have thought the two of you were married, you must have been all over him! And the two of you have been talking and seeing each other behind me back.I really don't appreciate that." (Because the two of them are not doing that to his wife ::eye roll::) Gives me the whole he's mine, back off speech. Let me tell you right now, there is nothing about this man that I find attractive. He's more like a father-figure to me. The thought of doing anything more than hugging him hello literally makes me want to vomit. Not the mention the fact that he's married. That's a hard no for me. But back to the story... that was Lucy and i's first ever tiff in all the years we had been friends. She said her peace and I explained to her that it was nothing like that, and the only reason he and I had been talking was because he was helping me with work stuff. I felt the insecurity in her, maybe even a little jealousy. Both of which were completely unnecessary. Granted, with all her spare time not being taken up by the married man and being in a city where she knew no one, Lucy had a lot of time of overthink and make up scenarios in her head. It really just sucked. It was quick and virtually painless. We moved on and it was never brought up again.

Lucy spend a year out of town and when she comes home, everything picks up like she never left. There is a big industry event about a month and a half after she gets back. It's the first time I am doing something big for my company and I am STRESSED! It's like 6 am, I'm setting up for this event and realize I forgot something at home. I call Lucy to see if she had left her house. She had. I frantically start calling everyone else I know from my hometown that will be attending the event. Everyone had already left. So I start calling people I know near the event to see if they could help out. I call the married man. No luck. He tells me the closest store I could go to to get what I needed and the convo was over. Not even a full minute. The emergency gets solved, the event is going great and Lucy comes by my tent. She tells me she doesn't appreciate me calling the married man. I told her everything I said above and she's like okay, but I still don't like it. As the day goes on, everyone continues drinking. A few hours later, she comes back to my tent (now full of my coworkers). She is pretty drunk. Hanging on people, talking a little looser than I would have in a professional setting. And then bless the timing, as I'm walking away from the tent to go to the restroom, the married man is walking up to the event for the first time of the day. We are literally walking towards each other and he walks up, hugs me and tells me hello and then we keep walking in opposite directions. I see him again briefly at my company's tent, but did not even speak to him. I go directly to Lucy, as she is hard core hanging on some dude that is not even remotely attractive, and she is SHITTY by this time.

The event is ending. Lucy goes inside to the bar and once I clean up, I meet her in there. I am absolutely not letting her drive home. She mouths off again about me calling the married man and I am just not having that discussion with her in public or when she is insanely intoxicated. It would be pointless. So I go sit in my car and wait on her. Yes, mfers, I know I am a total wet doormat and I let people walk all over me. She comes out with her coworkers, one of which jumps in the car with me. They want to stop for a drink at a little bar on the way home from the event. That's where everyone was. Sure, why the fuck not. Not like I've been up since the buttcrack of dawn around people drinking while I am not. Not like my drunk best friend just caused a scene and embarrassed me in front of my coworkers. Sure. Let's fucking go. We get to the bar and know everyone. I go to the restroom and when I get back, Lucy is talking to a guy that I had only met once. The married man had introduced us at an event. As soon as I walk up, he asks me if I had seen the married man lately. 3... 2... 1... EXPLOSION! Lucy causes a MAJOR scene. Like yelling this married man's name in a bar full of people that know him. I was mortified. I just tapped her shoulder, said I hope you get home safely and left. I am pissed at this point. I've done absolutely nothing wrong. This is just ridiculous. She was drunk, this will blow over and we will talk in the morning.

About half way home, I realize I have Lucy's phone. LOVELY. Fuck it. Not my problem. I'll leave it outside so she can swing by and grab it. The phone is out, I'm bathed and sleeping snug as a bug in a rug when my phone starts ringing. It's her coworker, who I am friends with as well. She tells me that Lucy has fallen and she thinks Lucy needs to go to the hospital, but she refuses. She asks me what to do. I told her that was her call, not mine and that I would send her Lucy's mom's phone number. I couldn't do anything to help because I had taken sleeping meds. The coworkers are really not wanting to deal with her at this point and are asking for my address so they can drop her here. I tell her again that I've taken sleeping meds, but that I left Lucy's phone out for her.

I wake up the next morning to Lucy banging on my bedroom window. I meet her at the back door and open it a little. I tell her that her phone is on the ledge and she asks if I brought her home last night. Nope. Who did? I have no clue. Then I say some shit about needing to take care of the dog and close the door. RADIO SILENCE the entire day. And the next day. And the next and next and next. I refuse to reach out because again, I've done nothing wrong. This is not typical of me. Remember, I'm a wet doormat, so usually when someone stomps on me, I end up finding a way to pin it back on me and end up apologizing for something I didn't even do. Such a fucking idiot. ::forehead slap:: But, this is the second time this has happened for no reason. Does my best friend really think that A. I would ever go after a married man? And B. I'd go after HER man? Like come on! She knows me better than that, and I think that's what hurts the most. Well maybe not, it hurts pretty fucking bad knowing that she doesn't care enough about me to try and mend a friendship that's lasted a decade.

In the silence, I hang out with "our" friends once by chance. Just ran into a few of them. It was awkward and distant. Nothing was said of mine and Lucy's "breakup." Thanksgiving morning I get some bullshit text about "We really need to talk, but putting that aside. Happy Thanksgiving. Kiss the boys for me." I reply about the same and then it's radio silence. I hang with another friend of ours after that and she and I actually talked about everything. I find out that Lucy was mad that I was comfortable enough with the married man that I would call him so early in the morning. From the hours I inevitably spent on the phone with him in being around her, I know that he goes to the gym in the mornings. Or sometimes says he's going to the gym and ends up at Lucy's house for his workout. I also figured he'd be setting up for the event as well, so it's not like I'd be waking him up. And lastly, I can call him in the morning because I'm not trying to hide from his wife like she is. Again, I'm not reaching out, and this friend agrees that the ball is in Lucy's court to start the mending.

So all of this to tell you, now I have no friends. It's been two months since Thanksgiving and I've slowly realized that I have no one. I am super close with my cousins, but they are all in relationships and I'm trying to third wheel all the time. My friends were friends from Lucy, so in losing her, I've lost them too. I'm almost 39 years old! I didn't think I'd have to be looking for friends at this point in my life. How do you even do that? People this age pretty much have their friend groups set. Someone new can't just come in. Everyone talks to me when I'm out and about, but no one invites me out and about. I am a friend to a lot of people, but I don't think they are necessarily friends to me. It just kinda sucks realizing that... a world full of people and I just feel so alone.